The Best Way to Build a Healthy Relationship
When you begin your search for intended parents as a surrogate carrier, you want to be as prepared as possible to ensure you’re finding the best options. You likely have questions about how to get to know potential matches. Some of those questions may include:
- Are there questions I should ask to intended parents?
- How do I know they are the right match?
- Do we have to have a relationship after the surrogacy journey?
These are just a few of the thoughts you may be facing. We understand surrogacy can sometimes seem confusing but don’t worry, this guide will provide the answers you need!
Below, we have a list of suggested questions to ask intended parents to help jumpstart your discussions. By asking these questions and getting to know the intended family, you will feel confident and comfortable in the match you have chosen, helping you feel you have found the right match.
Below, you will find more detailed answers to these questions and more. If you have surrogacy-related questions, you can fill out our online form to get more information and be connected with a surrogacy agency. Until then, continue reading this guide on questions you should ask intended parents and ways to build a healthy relationship.
13 Questions You Should Ask to Intended Parents
During your search for intended parents, you will have the opportunity to get to know potential matches by having a phone call or in-person meeting with them.
This meeting aims to get a greater feel for each other’s personalities, ask questions, and voice any concerns you may have. Getting to know intended parents is essential in fostering a strong and positive relationship. The fact you will work alongside these intended parents throughout the surrogacy process, the first conversation may seem overwhelming, but keep the goal of getting to know them better in mind, and be yourself.
With a sensitive topic like surrogacy, it’s important to ease into the conversation and save some of the more emotional questions for when a connection and comfort level has been established. Some questions you may consider asking include:
General Questions About the Intended Parent
This may sound simple, but leading off with general questions is the best way to get to know someone and create a level of trust and comfort. Questions like:
- What are your interests or hobbies?
- Where did you grow up?
- What was your family like?
- What’s your relationship like?
- Where did you attend school?
- These are just a few simple questions that can spark conversation, lead to in-depth answers, and give you a better glimpse into their personality, and more. You may know some of the answers already from their intended parent profile, or have questions based on that information.
Questions About Surrogacy and Intended Parent Goals
Once you have built comfort and trust through your initial questions, you’ll likely want to direct the focus towards the whole reason you guys are meeting in the first place — surrogacy. Given the emotional reasoning behind many intended parents choosing to pursue surrogacy, it’s important to keep their feelings and comfort level in mind when asking questions.
It is important to find the answers you’re looking for, but doing so in a respectful manner. You may consider asking questions like:
- Why do you want to become a parent?
- What parenting style do you think you’ll use?
- What lead you to surrogacy? (Keep in mind this may be a sensitive or emotional topic, use your best judgment and compassion when asking such a direct question.)
- When are you hoping for the process to begin?
- What are your expectations for our relationship during and after the surrogacy journey?
- What kind of involvement level can I expect from you during pregnancy? (Some intended parents attend all doctor’s meetings, meet with the mother several times throughout the pregnancy, etc.)
- Have you considered how you will tell your child about their surrogacy?
- Are there any specific requirements I should know about?
- Many others
This is your opportunity to get clarity on any questions or concerns you have, so really there are no guidelines on what questions you should ask to intended parents. With such an important decision as to who you will carry a baby for, you want to be certain you are making the best decision possible.
Keep in mind, this is a conversation, and they are equally as invested as you. There will likely be a back and forth conversation and you will be asked similar questions. Honesty is the best policy when answering intended parent questions. They are also trying to get to know you and determine if you are a good match for achieving their lifelong dream of parenting a biologically related child.
Your surrogacy specialist will be by your side every step of the way to ensure this meeting goes the best it can and that you get a better feeling for potential matches. If you have any questions about communicating with the intended parents and the questions to ask, request free information here to speak to a surrogacy agency.
Building a Relationship with Intended Parents
Once you have matched with an intended parent and completed your surrogacy contract, the surrogacy process officially begins. The intended parents you carry for and the relationship you have with them will ultimately impact and shape the entire journey. You are giving them the life-changing gift of parenthood and you are both embarking on a new experience.
Like all relationships, there may be ups and downs, and not everyone will gel quite as well — and that’s ok! No matter how well you do or do not mesh, keep in mind you both share the same goal of a happy and healthy pregnancy. No matter your differences in personality, you may enjoy a close relationship throughout the course of the surrogacy process and pregnancy.
Building a relationship helps everyone involved, as it increases the level of trust and confidence and makes the overall experience more pleasant. Your specialist will be involved throughout this entire process and is available for any concerns or advice you may need and, in most cases, offer any mediation needed.
There are also certain tips and steps you can take to help improve and increase the chances of having a positive relationship with the intended family. There are no set questions you should ask to an intended parent, but you may consider any of the following suggestions to help maintain or build a strong relationship with the adoptive family.
Follow the Golden Rule
This sounds simple, but treating others as you would want to be treated goes a long way in any relationship, but especially an intended parent relationship. Odds are, this is a whole new experience for everyone involved. Although both of you are excited for the life-changing impact surrogacy brings, it also brings many questions and concerns.
Staying true to your word, communicating, and keeping them updated throughout your pregnancy, are all simple things that can be done that can help build trust. Keep their feelings in mind, as many intended parents choose surrogacy for emotional reasons such as the loss of a child, infertility, and more. Remaining empathetic about the situation they are in helps build an emotional bond between the two of you.
They are forever thankful for the opportunity you are giving them. Some days, it just may be more evident than others.
Appreciate the Intended Parent’s Involvement
Although you are the one experiencing the challenges pregnancy can have on your body and mind, it is important to realize that the intended family would gladly trade spots with you if they could. They have often chosen surrogacy because they are unable to carry this pregnancy themselves. Many intended parents have tried for years to have a baby, so when surrogacy provides them the opportunity, they will want to remain as involved as possible.
This is not to overwhelm you or to annoy you, it is because they are emotionally invested in the life-changing gift you are providing them. Similar to your understanding of their specific situation, they cannot control or fully relate to the development of the baby because they are not experiencing it firsthand. Understanding this different yet similar experience helps build an emotional connection throughout your pregnancy.
Honesty is Always the Best Policy
It’s been said that with any relationship, honesty is the best policy. A surrogacy relationship is not different. The intended parents are putting a great deal of trust in you, and vice versa. Discuss any concerns you may have with their communication, expectations, or anything else that you feel you need to mention.
If there are any struggles beyond those of a normal pregnancy, keep the family and your surrogacy specialist involved and updated. The goal of surrogacy is to keep your health and the intended parent’s baby’s health the top priority. The intended parents want you to remain comfortable and healthy throughout the pregnancy.
Keep the Intended Parents Involved
Your needs always come first when it comes to surrogacy, but given your choice to become a surrogate, you understand the importance of being selfless and helping others. Keeping the intended parents involved throughout the process and listening to their goals or desires helps them feel comfortable in their decision and builds trust with you throughout.
Some of the requests or opportunities for involvement may not seem overly important to you but keep in mind, the intended parents are unable to experience the steps of a normal pregnancy. Inviting them to doctor’s appointments, video chatting with them so the baby can hear their voice, and many other steps most parents experience during pregnancy can help create a bond between you and the intended parents.
These are just a few suggestions for building a relationship with the intended family. Each relationship will share its own strengths and struggles, and each relationship will be unique. Putting in the effort to maintain a level of comfort and trust can go a long way for everyone involved.
If you have any questions about having a relationship with the intended family and the best ways to go about it, fill out this form to connect with a surrogacy specialist.
Trusting Your Decision Through the Relationship You’ve Built
The relationship you have with the intended family may take time, but as long as you are willing to take steps towards strengthening and building it, you will be in a great position. The incredible journey you’re undertaking is something intended parents will be forever grateful for and is a decision worth building a relationship for.
Surrogacy specialists are available to answer any questions or concerns you may have. Fill out this form to get connected with a surrogacy agency and get more information.